Assalamualaikum...
pukul 1.30 pagi, bukak cerita pasal intern lagi. memang bukan cerita favorite tapi nak buat macam mana, dah jadi satu coretan yang tak boleh padam.
lepas habis intern, tak ada semangat nak buat kerja. kerja TTS pun, secara jujur. apa-apa kerja lah! hanya ada semangat untuk melepak bersama rakan2 tercinta. dan aku benci kalau rase ditinggalkan. malang sungguh semesta ni kalau aku yang ajak mesti kene reject. sedih betul. macam putus cinta pulak.
and yes, i'm losing the sense of enjoying things i'm doing. sedih untuk diri sendiri, sebab yang aku fikir adalah perfection, perfection dan perfection. last skali rasa sedih sebab tak perfect. haih, miss my oldself.
i've said once, intern has drained all good things in me. takde lah semua, but those value who makes me enjoyable dah hilang. aku cuma boleh enjoy bila melepak, bila buat sesuatu dengan tujuan nak main-main. but never in work. kalau masuk bab kerja, serious, serious and SERIOUS!
past is the past. i got it. tapi macam paku yang dah dipakukan atas kayu, kesan paku tu takkan hilang bila kita cabut paku tu. and trust me, i'm trying hard not to remember back those hard times.
it hit me hard, really hard bila ayie tanya "enjoy tak?" waktu mahkamah lorong dulu. rasa tersentap sebab aku lupa value tu. there's no satisfaction if you dont enjoy what you are doing. and it's a big lost for me.
rasa kosong walaupun dah cuba push diri sendiri untuk buat yang terbaik. i'm holding back. kosong. betul-betul kosong!
rasa kosong walaupun dah cuba push diri sendiri untuk buat yang terbaik. i'm holding back. kosong. betul-betul kosong!
i hate myself for that. i really miss my old mischievousness sloppy girl i was once. i miss her.
and yes, i blame you for it. "and dont you know im not your ghost anymore
you lost the love i loved the most
i learn to live half a life and now you want me want more time
dont come back for me, dont come back at all"
Jar of Hearts
-Christina Perri-
p/s: aku tahu sapa aku, so i wont be hoping, at least you wont know
